I drove to the store to go get it knowing all and well that if I turned around everything would be ok. But I didn’t. I kept going. I willed myself to turn around. I thought gum, coffee, diet coke even. Something other than what I’m about to do…please. But I kept driving.
I drove to the store. Power walked to the candy isle. Grabbed what I wanted quickly. I really don’t care what it is. There was no line that could be fast enough. I felt it in my hand and knew what it would taste like. My mouth was watering. I paid for it and opened it. It was in my mouth before I was out the door. I got to candy bar number 2 by the time I got to my car. I looked around; really hoping no one was able to see me. How embarrassing. However, I knew perfectly well I wouldn’t take the time to move my car before I allowed myself to indulge into the 5th and 6th candy bars/pastries/cookies in my hands to hide.
I looked at it and said I don’t want to do this. This is going to be horrible. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want the consequences. I am going to beat myself up about this. I wish so bad I didn’t have this as I finished ever last bite of whatever was in my bag.
You can never have enough. I wanted more but I knew it was over. Now to sit and wait. Wait for the guilt. The conclusions I’ll drawl. The failure; self-hatred. The mirror the next morning. Remembering this feeling next time I get a craving. Next time I beat it. Next time I don’t.
Comparing this feeling to the last time I had it.
Then fear. Fear I’ll never succeed. Fear I’ll never be able to do this. Fear that I don’t have control of my choices. Fear this will happen again in an hour. Fear that tomorrow won’t be better. Fear of how this will affect my workouts. Fear of those jeans. Fear of the mirror.
I don’t miss it when it’s not here. I really don’t. I don’t miss having just a bite. And I don’t crave ice cream after not having it for 4 months. Day 94 is a million times easier than day 1.
Now please, tell me, how I’m depriving myself from NOT having what everyone else is having. Tell me about how I’m not living a happy fulfilled life because I don’t eat dessert. Tell me everything in moderation, please.
What I have is an addiction. This isn’t normal. This isn’t healthy. This is sickness.
I’ve read studies where mice starved to death because they were unwilling to walk across a bed of broken glass to get to their normal rat food. But then the scientists gave them fruit loops and they were willing to walk across to get to fruit loops when they weren’t even hungry. That’s not normal. Fruit loops aren’t normal.
These Frankin-foods are saturated with addictive features your body just doesn’t know how to handle. Your DNA sees these foods as HIGHLY rewardive. Your body thinks Fruit Loops is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. And you give your body this immense reward every 3 hours if you follow the Standard American Diet. (Fruit loops for breakfast, protein bar for snack, pasta for lunch…etc) So how sad are you going to feel when you stop this? How easy is it for you to just give up most of what creates your highest Serotonin (happy hormones)? It’s not easy. And it’s not all willpower. It’s not all your fault. Your instincts are strong, stronger than your willpower. You can only fight them off so long before you break.
That’s why you have instincts. If instincts were easy to ignore there would be no point in them. Your body is a wonderful, amazing, powerful thing and it’s just trying to help you feel better. You’re the one fucking it up. Respect your body. You have no idea of its capabilities until you stop limiting yourself.
So when you get sad, your body demands something happy; something good. Some crave sex, drugs, gambling, money, but most crave Fruit Loops. You don’t crave the taste of fruit loops any more than you could crave the foods that are good for you. You just crave reward. So reward yourself with something that’s real. That’s the cure. Reward yourself with something that’s not been injected into your veins, against your knowledge, by an extremely jaded food system….something that’s not causing the demise of your health and personal/ psychological well-being.
Sounds a little dramatic, I know. But it’s not. You ARE brainwashed.
“They” purposely create these foods to leave you wanting more. Don’t believe me yet? Watch the video I have linked. There is a multi-billion dollar company that other food companies contract, that’s sole purpose is to make stuff taste good and make people want to eat more of them. They make flavors that are over stimulating but end abruptly to make you want more. These flavors are in everything processed. It isn’t even on the food label because it is in such small quantities the USDA doesn’t require it to be.
You know your body better than I do. If you’re happy with your relationship with food, you’re probably not reading this anyway. But if you’re not, you probably have an addiction.
“The salt slide” –A term derived from McDonalds in 1972 by CEO Walastein to describe the tendency of customers to scrape the French fry box for any remainders of food, or salt granules, no matter how full they were or the portion size before adopting the concept of “Super Size.”