Dear Diary

I was talking to someone who referred to my blog as my journal. I was slightly offended but I believe it is deserved…

I am uncomfortably squeezed somewhere between under and over stimulated.
I had a very boring day at work today. I can only read so many articles and listen to so many Chris Kresser pod casts/Gary Taubes lectures while I file charts before my head starts to spin. I hate nutrition! Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can’t anyone ever agree on anything? UGH…
I am so gullible. I believe everything I read. And then I analyze it. I am just starting to get to a point where I am confident in my education/experience enough to be able to conclude what I do and don’t believe, which is very liberatingly awesome…but every time I get new information it throws everything off. The more I learn the more I want to learn.
I don’t want bias. I don’t want to let my mind look for reasons to justify what I already believe. I want to have an open mind but it’s hard…if not impossible. We are biased.
I re-read an article today that I read in college some 4-5 years ago. I originally chose to read it to be the topic of a unit we did in school to identify nutrition quackery. Today, I read it with the preconceived notion that it is correct information and it was totally different than what I read before. Then I read some anti-Paleo stuff….which just seemed annoying and inaccurate to me. Then I read about how psychologists have identified a biases’ ability to make us negate things we don’t want to believe as fact. And then I go a headache…
How does one eliminate bias? Is it possible?
I saw some information, as I was sitting, about how bad sitting is for you so I stood up. I stood up the rest of the day but it just stressed me out to think about how much I sit all day now that I know how bad it is for me.
Then I read an article about how bad stress is for you, but it just. So I went on a walk to calm down but the whole time all I thought about what how stressful eliminating stress is in my life and stressing about not sitting when I got back to the office.
So I’m taking a little break. I’m not reading/listening to anything non-fiction for a week or so. I think I’ll read something fictional? I haven’t done that in a long time…
Any suggestions?


Fruit Loops

I drove to the store to go get it knowing all and well that if I turned around everything would be ok. But I didn’t. I kept going. I willed myself to turn around. I thought gum, coffee, diet coke even. Something other than what I’m about to do…please. But I kept driving.

I drove to the store. Power walked to the candy isle. Grabbed what I wanted quickly. I really don’t care what it is. There was no line that could be fast enough. I felt it in my hand and knew what it would taste like. My mouth was watering. I paid for it and opened it. It was in my mouth before I was out the door. I got to candy bar number 2 by the time I got to my car. I looked around; really hoping no one was able to see me. How embarrassing. However, I knew perfectly well I wouldn’t take the time to move my car before I allowed myself to indulge into the 5th and 6th candy bars/pastries/cookies in my hands to hide.

I looked at it and said I don’t want to do this. This is going to be horrible. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want the consequences. I am going to beat myself up about this. I wish so bad I didn’t have this as I finished ever last bite of whatever was in my bag.

You can never have enough. I wanted more but I knew it was over. Now to sit and wait. Wait for the guilt. The conclusions I’ll drawl. The failure; self-hatred. The mirror the next morning. Remembering this feeling next time I get a craving. Next time I beat it. Next time I don’t.

Comparing this feeling to the last time I had it.

Then fear. Fear I’ll never succeed. Fear I’ll never be able to do this. Fear that I don’t have control of my choices. Fear this will happen again in an hour. Fear that tomorrow won’t be better. Fear of how this will affect my workouts. Fear of those jeans. Fear of the mirror.

I don’t miss it when it’s not here. I really don’t. I don’t miss having just a bite. And I don’t crave ice cream after not having it for 4 months. Day 94 is a million times easier than day 1.

Now please, tell me, how I’m depriving myself from NOT having what everyone else is having. Tell me about how I’m not living a happy fulfilled life because I don’t eat dessert. Tell me everything in moderation, please.

What I have is an addiction. This isn’t normal. This isn’t healthy. This is sickness.

I’ve read studies where mice starved to death because they were unwilling to walk across a bed of broken glass to get to their normal rat food. But then the scientists gave them fruit loops and they were willing to walk across to get to fruit loops when they weren’t even hungry. That’s not normal. Fruit loops aren’t normal.

These Frankin-foods are saturated with addictive features your body just doesn’t know how to handle. Your DNA sees these foods as HIGHLY rewardive. Your body thinks Fruit Loops is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. And you give your body this immense reward every 3 hours if you follow the Standard American Diet. (Fruit loops for breakfast, protein bar for snack, pasta for lunch…etc) So how sad are you going to feel when you stop this? How easy is it for you to just give up most of what creates your highest Serotonin (happy hormones)? It’s not easy. And it’s not all willpower. It’s not all your fault. Your instincts are strong, stronger than your willpower. You can only fight them off so long before you break.

That’s why you have instincts. If instincts were easy to ignore there would be no point in them. Your body is a wonderful, amazing, powerful thing and it’s just trying to help you feel better. You’re the one fucking it up. Respect your body. You have no idea of its capabilities until you stop limiting yourself.

So when you get sad, your body demands something happy; something good. Some crave sex, drugs, gambling, money, but most crave Fruit Loops. You don’t crave the taste of fruit loops any more than you could crave the foods that are good for you. You just crave reward. So reward yourself with something that’s real. That’s the cure. Reward yourself with something that’s not been injected into your veins, against your knowledge, by an extremely jaded food system….something that’s not causing the demise of your health and personal/ psychological well-being.

Sounds a little dramatic, I know. But it’s not. You ARE brainwashed.
“They” purposely create these foods to leave you wanting more. Don’t believe me yet? Watch the video I have linked. There is a multi-billion dollar company that other food companies contract, that’s sole purpose is to make stuff taste good and make people want to eat more of them. They make flavors that are over stimulating but end abruptly to make you want more. These flavors are in everything processed. It isn’t even on the food label because it is in such small quantities the USDA doesn’t require it to be.

You know your body better than I do. If you’re happy with your relationship with food, you’re probably not reading this anyway. But if you’re not, you probably have an addiction.

“The salt slide” –A term derived from McDonalds in 1972 by CEO Walastein to describe the tendency of customers to scrape the French fry box for any remainders of food, or salt granules, no matter how full they were or the portion size before adopting the concept of “Super Size.”


Yesterday I ate ice cream. I ate triple vanilla bean ice cream on top of a hot pecan pie. I ate it because I was allowed. I didn’t eat it because I had to. I didn’t eat it because I couldn’t resist. I ate it because I told myself I could; because I earned it.  I ate it because it was a reward, a treat.

I haven’t had any sugar since August 13th. I committed on September 1st that I would not have any “cheats” until December 1st. I wanted to try it. I wanted to make a habit of not eating shit. I can’t say in that almost 4 month period that I had perfect nutrition. Portions were sometimes bad. I sacrificed quality for quantity and vice-versa. Two diet cokes somehow snuck in and I may have eaten an entire jar of cashew/almond butter in one setting (whoops.) That may or may not have even happened multiple times. I, however, was successful at having absolutely no sugar, no sugar derivatives, honey, syrup, fructose…any of that. Until yesterday.

I decided on September 1st I would not cheat until December 1st and I cheated December 2nd. Toward the end of November people who knew about my diet asked me if I was planning to cheat December 1st. I hadn’t. I truly hadn’t. I had no desire to cheat. I was very happy with where I was and the road I was on. Perfect, no. But better. And liberated. Very liberated from the burden of chronically deprivin myself from food I wanted.

I remember how hard it used to be to get back on. Cheating, binging, and falling off used to take me months, weeks, and days to recover and get back on track.

Yesterday I cheated and then I had a stomach ache and I carried on. Today is just like last week. I enjoyed my healthy lunch and I’m not hungry. I’m not beating myself up about my cheat. And my cheat didn’t turn into a binge.

I cheated to challenge myself; to benchmark my progress. I am so much better, so much stronger. This cheat was over as soon as it was over. That’s never happened before.

And my healthy lunch (the first time I ate after having eaten the ice cream, mainly because it made my stomach hurt) really tasted just as good as the ice cream. Maybe better….without the stomach ache. I really, truly see no need to have ice cream again. I’m not waiting to have my next cheat. I don’t want it. I really truly don’t. This is the cure to the biggest problem I’ve ever had in my entire life to a problem I’ve had my entire life…just to put in perspective why this is significant to me.

Whatever your problem, strive for perfect. Learn and be better.